The Green Wave: Sink or Swim

“The goal of life is living in agreement with nature.”

Zeno (335 BC-264 BC)

Sustainability is on the minds of every industry as the green movement has reached a critical mass. In the short time frame of fifteen years, green architecture and sustainable technologies have evolved from a radical fringe of ardent supporters to a generally accepted public mandate that is revolutionizing the entire world economy. Below the surface is a monumental shift in corporate thinking which is refining this brave new green world. Every industry will be challenged to make the shift to a new paradigm in order to prosper or even survive. The landscape and nursery industry has always been in the center of the green movement, but is not generally perceived as a leader which consistently brings innovation to the table. There can be no denying the magnitude of the sustainability movement as it becomes increasing codified in our daily life. The time is fast approaching for the landscape and nursery industry to assess its future and decide to either sink or swim in the mounting green wave. The commitment to become leaders in the sustainability movement will require dedication and innovation from both individual businesses as well as trade organizations.

The first question that arises is “what does it mean to be green?” Unfortunately, there are no publicly established policies or guidelines which are definitive, but rather a series of sometimes vague and confusing principals. Being green is easiest described as a way of thinking, in that every action shall do no wrong or diminish the earth’s resources for future generations. The difficult part is that every industry will be required to define these sustainable principals for their specific industry. Be assured that this process will not be simple and the rules will constantly change, but every industry will struggle in defining its role in the new green economy.

The origins of this green tidal wave can be traced back to a single document. In 1992, the City of Hanover, Germany hired architect William McDonough to craft a series of environmental principals to guide architects and planners in the development of exhibits for the 2000 World Expo to be held in Hanover. This short list of environmental goals came to be known as the Hanover Principals. Although over the years these sustainable principals have been expanded, interpreted, defined and debated, they are still the fundamental foundation of the sustainability movement.

As other industries begin to define their role in sustainability, they contribute useful tools which can help the landscape and nursery industry to find its way. Places to look for current thinking and valuable information include the United States Green Building Council (USGBC) www.usgbc.org, which has established the Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design (LEED) green building rating system. The American Society of Landscape Architects (ASLA) www.asla.org has established a strategic partnership with a number of environmental organizations called the Sustainable Site Initiative www.sustainablesites.org to establish a green site rating system for individual sites. There are a number of organizations such as “Cradle to Cradle Certification” www.mbdc.com/certified.html, which helps customers purchase and specify products that are pursuing a broader definition of quality environmentally-intelligent design. Industry specific guides are emerging such as the Certified Forest Products Council (CFPC) www.certifiedwood.org which provides information about sustainable forestry, and includes a directory of sustainably harvested lumber.

Although these organizations provide some insight in how sustainability is interrupted by other associations, none of the documents will address in detail the needs for the landscape and nursery industry. This will come from within the industry as we begin to look critically at the opportunities for changing traditional practices and replacing them with more environmentally friendly business practices. The initial areas for consideration are easy to identify such as business practices that negatively impact air quality, water quality, biodiversity and consumption of natural resources. Let’s look at each of these four simple opportunities in more detail as they might relate to traditional industry practices, knowing that there are dozens of other subjects that should be considered in mainstreaming sustainability into every aspect of the landscape and nursery industry.

Air Quality

With the emissions from operating and refueling of landscape equipment, vehicles have a significant impact on air quality. Small gasoline-powered engines often produce much greater levels of pollution than that of a full sized car per hour of operation. The estimates can be as much as 1000 times more emissions are produced from small gasoline-powered engines. When these engines are mistuned, or run without air filters, measurements show as much as 50% of the fuel exhausted as unburned hydrocarbons. The EPA estimates that as much as 5% of urban air pollution can be linked to their usage. Considering the entire carbon footprint of the landscape and nursery industry, the consequences are significant.

A sustainable approach would minimize air pollution by investing in hybrid or fossil free vehicle fleets as well as a mileage optimization on how those fleets are deployed each day. Small gas-powered engines can be replaced with electric powered equipment. While electric still has environmental impacts primarily in the manufacturing process, the total embodied energy used during the equipment’s life cycle cost is much less. The most environmentally friendly grounds maintenance equipment is human powered which does not rely on a power source. I believe there could be an emerging niche in the market for a premium priced high sustainability ground maintenance service.

Water Quality

The landscape and nursery industry applies a vast amount of chemical based pesticides and fertilizers which, even with the best management practices, are subject to leaching into stream ways and water courses. While monumental progress has been made in training grounds staff in the proper calibration and application of the chemicals, it does illustrate the industry’s reliance on preventative chemical use instead of prescriptive treatment of diseases. An enlightened chemical approach which reduces generic broad based preventative treatments in favor of selective targeted solutions would shift the chemical industry’s investment toward development of new softer solutions. A serious discussion in the landscape industry needs to challenge the reliance on traditional chemical approaches and foster greater acceptance of ecological based approaches.

The greatest impact the landscape and nursery industry has on water quality is in the management of construction activities through the primary responsibility for erosion control. Our experience indicates the landscape industry is only marginally engaged in erosion control. No other trade has a greater opportunity to express leadership in managing water quality during site grading and establishment of vegetation. This industry should be the foremost advocate and expert in site erosion control implementation. Accepting responsibility for the site can expand revenues for forward thinking companies.

With the increased development of suburban areas, more frequent and pronounced flooding has occured. This not only results in erosion, stream pollution, and destruction of aquatic habitat, but tremendous property damage and loss of human lives. Several compelling best management practices exist that the industry can use to help to reduce flooding and reuse a precious natural resource. These stormwater based solutions such as rain harvesting, rain gardens, green roofs and bioswales, while not new have garnered a new wave of public interest. The best thing about these stormwater technologies is that they easily fall into the traditional market of the industry. A concerted effort in promoting integrated stormwater solutions within the industry would represent another leadership position the industry could assume.

Declining Biodiversity

The world's biodiversity is declining at an unprecedented rate, with current extinction rates that are at least 900 times higher than natural rates found in the fossil record. Over 15,000 plant and animal species are now considered at risk of extinction representing an increase of 3,330 species since 2003. The landscape and nursery industry may contribute more to declining biodiversity than it does in preventing it. Consider the impacts of introduction of invasive plants into the landscape, clearing land, establishment of lawns, planting too few species that benefit wildlife, overuse of pesticides and dominant use of limited varieties of plants like Bradford pears and junipers.

When non-native plants "escape" from our landscape and take over natural areas they choke out the wide variety of native plants on which wildlife depends. Our desire for large lawn lots results in significant clearance of natural areas which fragments wildlife habitat. While less than 10% of all insects are harmful to plants, most pesticides are harmful or lethal to all insects. The industry maintains a dominant focus on horticultural planting strategies instead of advocating more complex ecological based plantings. We have become our own worst enemy in perpetuating traditional solutions as the basis of most designs.

A dramatic shift in conventional thinking is necessary to address sustainability in the core of the landscape and nursery industry. The industry needs to develop viable solutions to lawns and corporate landscapes in favor of diverse ecological natural communities which value biodiversity. We need to shift the basis of the green economy from low skilled lawn maintenance labor to more technically knowledgeable resource managers. Along with this paradigm shift comes increased market value and revenue opportunities. The need for biodiversity can be a catalyst in reforming traditional practices into a sustainable future.

Consumption of Natural Resources

The world only has a limited supply of natural resources and consumption rates are increasing. The United States is the world's largest consumer in absolute terms for many resources, eleven of the top twenty. Opportunities for using less are limitless when we look at our consumer economy. Principles for reducing consumption of natural resources can be applied to every aspect of business when you look at areas like packaging, recycling, specifying locally produced goods and use of low environmental impact materials.

Looking specifically at the landscape and nursery industry, specific opportunities emerge when we focus on business operations such as reducing fuel for landscape equipment, conserving water when irrigating plants, mitigating soil lost through erosion and eliminating peat moss or other harvested organic materials to amend soils. The green industry is indirectly responsible for 30% of water consumption in urban areas in the eastern United States for watering lawns, and in the West this figure is 60%. Guidelines for reduction or elimination of irrigation water are commonly available, but the environmental ethics need to be embraced by the entire industry. The green industry can be a powerful advocate in promoting sustainable solutions.

The world is shifting towards an environmental paradigm which fundamentally changes how we conduct every aspect of our lives. This green wave of change is upon us and it is our decision to sink or swim. We can allow the wave to overwhelm the industry or we can choose to participate as leaders riding the wave to a prosperous future of limitless opportunities. The future will be best defined for our industry internally by creative, innovative professions who have a passion for environmental change and civic commitment. By embracing the challenges to redefine our businesses practices at the most basis levels the industry will be guaranteed a meaningful front row seat in the new green economy. There is a lot of work to be done and a short amount of time available, so let’s get started in building a new green foundation for the future.

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Lost in the Flood

“Life is a long lesson in humility.”

James M. Barrie (1860 - 1937)

One year ago today my wife died, but through the marvels of modern medicine, a handful of luck and a one of the nation’s most talented brain surgeon she survived a ninety-nine in hundred death sentence. Since then everything has changed but everything remains the same. As we celebrate her first birthday of a second life, we are blessed to have a chance so few are privileged to experience. As pages turn it is not without a price to pay for what was lost in the flood.

In attempt to find comfort in the routine of her previous life, my wife shortly after her release from the hospital, dove head first back into her career against everyone’s better judgment. It was a period of denial that the event ever happened, a desire to prove the world was no different, refusing to accept that she was even lucky. I’ve come to realize she did not experience or comprehend the threshold of death. For her it was the easiest of progressions to stroll into the afterlife as convenient as slipping out of a jacket on a sunny day. Ultimately, it was my near death experience not hers. I had experienced it as if I had left my body hovering above her in the hospital.

For over thirty years her identify was one of a powerful executive, a consummate professional that was sought out for an unparalleled depth of knowledge and ability. Throughout a varied and diverse career she managed multiple offices with a staff of over thirty, established a new Midwest division of six offices for a national corporation and held leadership positions in every aspect of a complex financial industry for a dozen companies. She did all of this without post secondary education using her perceived inferiority as a strong motivational tool to push ahead of her peers. Driven to succeed does not adequately capture the years of working 80 hour weeks. For a lifetime she possessed a defining personal identity which was her foundation of self assurance. Between heartbeats on that day one year ago everything about who she was changed.

Twelve months of healing and evaluation has revealed the final extent of the collateral damage emerging from a shifting fog of uncertainty and hope. It has been a challenging time for both of us as I sit helpless watching her reconcile her new life against the old. In her solicitude, she excruciatingly compares her previous person with the limitations of the new. For months her primary focus was to hide each new disability as they became apparent while attempting to continue her career. Short term memory loss, reduced analytical capacity and significantly diminished reading comprehension unleashed a flood of emotions I have never seem as she struggled to hold on to an exposed root of self respect in a seething river current of personal loss. The detailed neurological assessments have uncovered her amazing ability to adapt, to compensate and how brain function while so fragile responds in mystical ways.

An area of significant impact was her ability to process the spoken word, part comprehension and part short term memory. As a result she has developed an acute visual perception. In order to process the spoken word she will write the message out in her hand with an imaginary finger so that comprehension bypasses the disrupted audio paths and is communicated to the brain visually. It astounds me on resilience our brain is, finding new pathways to repair damage. She was so good at compensating in other ways that the disability was hidden until the neurophysiologist tested a fully range of brain function.

Slowly over the months it became apparent that the collateral damage exceeded her ability to function at a high level in her career. The constant struggle and deception took the fight out of her as she reluctantly came to realize that she no longer wanted to work so hard making people believe nothing had changed. The experience has been only what I can describe as a recovery from a modest form of Alzheimer’s. It has given me a fearful perspective of the unimaginable horror of descending into Alzheimer’s without hope of recovery. It is with certainty that we all will at different rates descend into humility suffering indignity of losing what we cherish. If only by the grace of god, we live long enough whatever fortifies the core of your soul will be taken from you, beauty, mind, body, memories, family, privacy, independence, leaving us all naked at the door of death. Without ceremony we transgress to frail, tattered broken reflections of our former selves, a slow process yielding to nature. Each small loss of mobility, functionality, range, stamina and endurance signals the eventual slow waltz with life’s close. There is no apology for my morose ramblings for they are only a statement of truth whether or not we want to recognize the final and inescapable law of nature.

Gradually through a curtain of tears and fears she accepted the new direction life has taken, but the shift is still undermined by the loss of self assurance, confidence and self identify. This has fundamentally changed our relationship and the level of nurturing she requires. A previous relationship of equals, powerful and decisive, a collective balance is now in flux and redefinition. The fine balance of shared responsibility has been disrupted, at times taking on a parent and child persona as I am possibly overcompensating in a sheltering protective fashion. I find myself doting on her as if she is helpless which she is not, but I find her much more pensive and unsure of decisions. She is in the final stages of obtaining approval for long term disability which will complete her transition to her new life.

One of the remaining mysteries has been her loss of appetite for which I have taken her to specialists and physicians over and over without discovering a cause. Every time we recieve a clean bill of health. She has lost 40 pounds and is now struggling to fill a size 0. I think she has stabilized at this weight which is of no apparent concern to her. The extreme weight lost probably makes me more protection because she seems so frail. At a critical point during one of the visits to the neurosurgeon, he highly recommended that she quite smoking because there is a number of small defects on the other side of her brain and smoking is a significant factor in increasing the risk that these defects can develop into another rupture. He also suggested that she get a chest x-ray because an unexplained weight loss such as hers could be cancer. As we walked out of the doctor’s office she lit up a cigarette and looked up at me to say “I think that went well.” I have to admit it was one of the few times in our marriage I totally lost it. It was a blur but I think my first words were “What fucking planet do you live on!!!!!” It remains an unresolved issue, a small defiant stand on personal choice and independence she is unwilling to relinquish.

A requirement of the short term disability policy is that she stop working which was a struggle at first but now she quietly sits at home cleaning long forgotten items while spending time with her mother. The days drift by in a series of never ending errands and casual meanderings as her daily interaction with the outside world shrinks. After thirty years of making her clients successful, catering to their every need, becoming close in decades old relationships, I’m astounded how quickly they have all disappeared without a trace which makes me angry at their shallowness.

Although not obvious to her I watch each day like a hawk gauging her level of satisfaction and personal fulfillment always concerned that her departure from the spotlight will manifest itself into depression. On occasion she will look at her laptop with wistful eye of a life departed, but just as quickly her gaze will focus on the dust that has accumulated on its lid as she goes to get a dusting rag. Each day I pray she finds solace and balance in her second life. When the times are right I probe by asking her simply “Are you happy. Is everything going alright?” The answer always takes much longer than I feel it should, revealing an unresolved internal debate, but is unquestionably “Yes I’m happy”. I intentionally leave an awkward silent pause to allow for the recrimination or retraction that never comes.

None of us can know what the future shall bring. We all travel our separate road making decisions based on the moment. Even in retrospect I’m not sure we can judge if those decisions are for the better or the worst, they are just a milepost in a journey that ends sometime and someplace in the future. Personally, I’ve always had to reconcile my family legacy of early departures to the afterlife. As they say “We don’t make old bones.” This lifelong realization might be an underlying factor in my frantic pace; a life line that could be measured in years not decades if family history determines the odds and probabilities. What will I leave behind unfulfilled? As we all walk to the fateful edge of existence what dreams will be broken, what desires will haunt final our thoughts, what love will be lost in the flood?

As each natural disaster cleanses the land with undirected violence, sculpting the earth into new patterns we learn anew to navigate our altered world by the sun and heavens having faith in those things unchanged in a changed landscape. Adapting to circumstances while picking of the pieces of our life we walk into an uncertain future only knowing those things that we lost in the flood but always thankful, hopeful to experience another spring morning, another summer afternoon, another sunset, another starlit night, just another chance to breath.

"Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come. “

William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)

16 Hrs + 2997 Miles = “Rain City”

Capitol Hill, Seattle, Washington, Photo by Mr. Blue

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.”

Nelson Mandela (1918 - ), 'A Long Walk to Freedom'

Power of One

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed people can change the world: indeed it's the only thing that ever has!"

Margaret Mead (1901 - 1978)

I recently used this quote in an interview and have been pondering it's essence for the past couple of days. It prompted me to read more on Margaret Mead. I highly recommend it. Here's a few more quotes I enjoyed.

"Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible."

"Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary."

"It has been a woman's task throughout history to go on believing in life when there was almost no hope."

Shift of Fortune

“Fortune is not on the side of the faint-hearted.”
Sophocles (c.496 B.C.–406 B.C.)

A cold rain falls as I stand on the runway waiting to board a small regional jet back home. The sound of a 737 is deafening as it slowly creeps by in the darkness like a coal black leviathan. The flat expanse of the tarmac is glistening blue, green and red of the runway lights reflecting off the wet asphalt creating a surreal wonderland. The cool rain is a welcome relief from the hours spent in the stale overcrowded cramped terminal. Closing my eyes I tilt me head back allowing the rain to caress my forehead. It has been the only moment in the past two days where I have been able to relax and take a deep breath of the cool moist air. The scent of fall is in the air as the white dome of the capitol peers from behind the Washington Memorial in the distance. Where as the summer gone? In a brief flash the summer has left without even saying goodbye. Waiting begins all over again until summer returns an eternity from now.

Scanning the darkened figures standing in the rain I look for a familiar face but secretly not really wanting to find anyone I would be required to carry on a discussion with. The angry sullen faces in the gentle rain are upset with the two hour delay from gate 35. My old nemesis gate 35 has not disappointed me with its brutal ritual of chaos and routine bone numbing apathy, but I have conditioned my mind to ignore the tempting opportunity to struggle with its domination of the angry souls within its grasp. Silently I watch an overweight 30 year old with a shave bald head dressed completely in black like an Italian grandmother in mourning. It is oblivious that he is extremely proud of the carefully crafted persona he projects, but to me he appears to be a self-absorbed egocentric nobody. He is pacing back and forth screaming, shaking his fist, pointing at some invisible person he is talking to at the end of his cell phone which is the newest piece of technology available to only to those that find it important to change phones every couple of months. A large black electronic cockroach with a small red light hangs from his ear allowing him to fling both of his pudgy limbs in this public rant he is engaged in. There is little visual evidence to inform you that he not totally stark raving mad talking to the demons tormenting his soul. Watching his circular movements he reminds me of the insane street people in New York I remember as a child. I shake my head thinking that of all the places in the world this “tool” could be going, it just happens to be on my flight.

About the time I decided that I’ve wasted enough energy watching this idiot, I hear him argue with him imaginary friend stating that he has worked to hard for too long and everyone around him wasn’t doing their job. He emphatically closed the accusation with the worn old excuse “it’s not my job and I’m not going to do it myself”. Then he proceeded to asked for the dismissal of his coworkers. What a way to build a team by climbing over the bodies of coworkers to position yourself for a better seat in the cubical farm. There was a time when worked to hard for too long meant twenty years of dedicated service, not a couple months of waltzing in at nine and leaving at five. I’m not sure the world will survive the next generation of self-absorbed egos. The concept of entitlement without real investment is a cancer eating away the foundation of the nation. I’m staring at the pudgy poster boy for the end of the world as we know it. Needing to look away before I succumb to the urge to slap the living crap out of this snot nosed brat, I look at the white dome of the capitol again. Is this really what the founding fathers of this nation were hoping for?

I decide to refocus my attitude on something more positive and begin to reflect on the past two days of meetings and business calls. It has been a long dry spell for securing significant new work for the office for some unexplainable reason. It has eroded my enthusiasm as each failed interview piled on top of each other. Each debriefing providing little insight as to why we were not selected, other than we liked the color of the suit the other team wore or your proposal didn’t have little dividers like the others. I think this is the start of the 30 years olds gaining influence in the decision making process with no understanding of what is of real value in professional relationship.

Business always has a horizon which cannot be seen past, I call it the “cliff”. The cliff is the point past where businesses can no longer project future revenues. The cliff usually resides five to seven months into the future for most of my professional career, but during downturns the cliff slowly creeps closer and closer. At some point where you can begin to see over the edge of the cliff, the abyss of uncertainty becomes evident. Over the years I have come to understand that divine intervention appears to save you from the cliff about the time you are standing on the edge of your desk with a noose around your neck. The repeated salvation allows me to ignore the fear of being eternally stalked by the cliff. About the time I begin to consider what a new career might look like things dramatically change. This recent two day trip was that dramatic change completely reordering the future allowing me to postpone my new career search until sometime in the future.

I was able to arrange three meetings as a result of a recent speaking engagement in the area. The message of the lecture apparently struck an accord with the group, because we immediately received three requests for meetings to discuss proposals. The first meeting was with a county agency which wanted to include our expertise in a series of projects. Going into the meeting I assumed it was two projects which were already designed in which we would provide some construction oversight. We would be added as a specialty consultant under their on-call consultant agreement. As we talked in a small cramped conference room at the end of a dank basement hallway, the magnitude of the project was revealed. It’s not two projects but as many a twenty over the next five years. It’s not just construction oversight, but its full design services with an opportunity to assist on dozens of other projects which fall into our realm of expertise. It is the type of project which a business can forecast staff growth with by providing a predictable revenue stream over the course of five years.

A business negotiation is a lot like playing poker, there are times where the expression of surprise places you into an inferior position. It is imperative that you provide the owner the comfort of knowing that the conversation is completely ordinary and what they are proposing is a matter of standard operations. Executives will only hire your services if you can make them believe that you don’t need the work. It’s a subtle game of courtship, being too eager equates to desperation and desperation can be seen as a fatal disease detectable from miles away. The county’s schedule was impossibly constrained and not realistic, but we promised to deliver because there is no other acceptable answer. Anything is possible; no task is too great during the courtship. Over the years I have learned that schedules work themselves into a predictable rhythm that can seldom be hurried. Our job is to coach the client along the way as complexity of the process reveals the true implementation schedule. Leaving the musty office, we were giddy as schoolgirls envisioning the long potential business relationship.

Our next stop was a private foundation which wanted us to manage a 2.5 million dollar project on an existing facility. Our meeting with the executive director secured the commission which again was on an impossible schedule. As we concluded our meeting and were preparing to leave, we were informed of two additional phases of the work which we were in position to secure. Finally in passing the executive director indicated we should expect some calls from two or three local school districts which she had referred them to us. As it turns out she is also a board member of a state committee which advises school districts from around the metropolitan area. She had been so impressed with our work that she had been recommending us to anyone she came in contact with. If we were giddy after ending the first meeting we were outright ecstatic leaving the second meeting. I recall thinking to myself we are on a roll, we could to run the table.

On the way to the third meeting I fielded a phone call which turned out to be a significant university master plan project for an architect we work for on occasion. The world was becoming a blur as I attempted to write down the information I needed to get to the architect by the end of the day. The architect already had the project and was looking for someone to fill out the team. He informed us that they were exploring a very detailed process with the university as a trial for a much larger master plan process scheduled for the following year. Participating in this study would place us in position to maintain a valued role for future work. I no longer got off the phone and we arrived at our third meeting.

Brimming with confidence, we secured our security passes at the front desk and were led to a conference room on the fourth floor. The meeting was to be informal when I suggested we could stop by just to introduce ourselves. I assumed we would answer a couple of questions and head to the airport. As I turned the corner of the conference room I was surprised to find a dozen officials from various departments representing two separate counties waiting to talk to us. After a brief round of introductions which occurred so quickly that I was unable to write down all the names, they all jumped in with questions simultaneously. I tried to organize the responses of the highly divergent topics. The crowd was focused and energetic leading me to believe there was an underlying purpose to the barrage of inquires. It was oblivious by the questions that one county was further advanced in their thinking and had come to develop a consensus.

The manager of the meeting finally decided to structure the dialogue by explaining what they were up to. Each county had two projects each funded and they had never undertaken a project of this nature revealing their in house expertise was limited. They were interested in hiring us to design and manage all four projects. These projects would be considered test projects in each county. It was anticipated that three to five of these projects could be funded for the next five years under this program and if we were successful we could be in position to assist on all of them. Another long term relationship was being forged. Once again I managed not to reveal my surprise at the magnitude of their request. For the fourth time in a row we agreed to an impossible schedule, shook hands and departed for the airport.

How can months of work and travel yield so little and then in the course of a single 48 hours I secure the possibly years of contracts? What have I said differently that struck such an accord with this particular group? Is it pure the circumstance of being in the right place at the right time? I have a hard time isolating the origin of the shift of fortune from the daily chaos of the moment. The months of marketing meetings and strategic planning seem to have little relevance as the tide shifts. I am beginning to realize that the world is bipolar and is run by the pudgy poster boy for the end of the world that stood in front of me getting on the plane. We just opened the door when the need was right and waltzed into a gold mine. However, there is a single underlying fear caged in the back of my mind, the fear that I will at some point I will tell the world what I really think. Until then I will grit my teeth and smile at the bald headed tool sitting in front of me waiting for the cliff to return.

Leaning into the Light

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us.”

Charles Dickens (1812 - 1870)
A Tale of Two Cities

Five sets of eyes separated by uncertainty and fear stare blankly into the blackness, not knowing what the future will demand. Alone in the darkness laid out as if for a funeral wake prostrate on cotton sheets in the small hours of the night they wait for an answer, they wait for a reason, they wait for courage, they wait for dawn to postpone the agony until night falls again. A single event has create a breach in the dam of their secure existence cascading change and chaos down on them in ways considered inconceivable such a short time ago. The quickly approaching torrents of change have been released to seek a new balance, reconstructing the landscape, cleansing the ground where we all found comfort and belonging. The only certainty is that we will not recognize the new day as we have for years gone by.

In the darkness, each of the five in absolute silence constructs dialogues to conversations that will never happen, replaying the discussions over and over until all the responses are perfected and routine. Each of us will live the event in the darkness a thousand times before it ever happens and yet we will have never crafted a version that matches the reality of the day. As the events are set into motion all we can do is hope that the new day will bring order to the chaos of change and begin constructing a new routine as the future is revealed. Staring into the void of darkness a weight of angst presses down on your chest shortening your breath into small uncomfortable small gasps in which you struggle to fill your lungs. Each breath no longer soothes and relaxes the soul but contributes to a sense of panic and hopelessness as the tightness grows. The silence is so consuming that that the labored attempt to inhale echoes in the emptiness until it fills the entire room robbing the mind of the illusion that we are in control of the future. Seeking relief we recall positive statements of affirmation which provides us strength.

“When you close your doors, and make darkness within, remember never to say that you are alone, for you are not alone; nay, God is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light to see what you are doing?”

Epictetus (55 AD - 135 AD)
Discourses

Every cell of the body is burning as if on fire from the adrenaline that is being pumped into the blood, a primitive relic of evolution which tells us that danger is eminent and in order to survive we must flee. The fingers and toes begin to tingle as every hair on the body stands like an antenna absorbing latent energy from the air. We float between the known and unknown on the edge of matter and energy. The only response is to remain motionless allowing this last surge of energy to dissipate like ripples on a pond. For a small moment we indulge a fantasy envisioning the relief of discarding our future by running to a distant shore where all the concerns and responsibilities of the world are left behind unable to find us in an imaginary game of hide and seek with the subconscious. The illusion is brief, for there is no solution in hiding, masking the wound only deepens the despair and hopelessness. Reality will continue to seek us out from our swaddled nest of denile.

“Do not pursue what is illusory - property and position: all that is gained at the expense of your nerves decade after decade and can be confiscated in one fell night. Live with a steady superiority over life - don't be afraid of misfortune, and do not yearn after happiness; it is after all, all the same: the bitter doesn't last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing.”

Alexander Solzhenitsyn (1918 - )

The endless dialogues start over again with new insights, quietly seeking to find the land mines which are hidden in plain sight. In our darkness we are allowed to step on the land mines triggering havoc and destruction only to experience its consequence so we see through the debris a path of direction. Over and over again we live in an infinite number of simultaneous universes each in motion deciphering clues for seeing the future. The mind races attempting to exhaust infinity though brute force and determination, but our mind fails to catalogue the multitude of possibilities as a curtain of chaos obscures our thoughts.

“Strength is just an accident arising from the weakness of others.”

Joseph Conrad (1857 - 1924)
Heart of Darkness

The silence is deafening as my heartbeat pounds in my ears counting the seconds as they pass. In order to maintain sanity in the consummate void of silence, my ears begin to hear a slight buzz which reminds me of the white noise that would fill the room when the old black and white television sets would end the broadcast day and leave the air. My mind has had enough and is it distracting itself my processing white noise. Exhaustion overwhelms as my mind discards and unloads all of the infinity realities yet unresolved.

A faint glow begins to grow outside the window signaling an end to the darkness and dread. In a short while we will all be engaged in the false comfort of the daily routine, making believe that last night was only a nightmare and change is waiting further into the future somewhere past another night of staring into emptiness. This day, we will stare into these five sets of eyes seeking comfort in the fact that we can all ignore the realities of the future hidden in the shadow of darkness, where making believe that all is right bides time against the chaos of uncertainty. Each of us will set aside our fears until darkness comes again, but change is on its way and nothing we can do will dissuade that eventually.

“How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.”

Barry Lopez