Leaning into the Light

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us.”

Charles Dickens (1812 - 1870)
A Tale of Two Cities

Five sets of eyes separated by uncertainty and fear stare blankly into the blackness, not knowing what the future will demand. Alone in the darkness laid out as if for a funeral wake prostrate on cotton sheets in the small hours of the night they wait for an answer, they wait for a reason, they wait for courage, they wait for dawn to postpone the agony until night falls again. A single event has create a breach in the dam of their secure existence cascading change and chaos down on them in ways considered inconceivable such a short time ago. The quickly approaching torrents of change have been released to seek a new balance, reconstructing the landscape, cleansing the ground where we all found comfort and belonging. The only certainty is that we will not recognize the new day as we have for years gone by.

In the darkness, each of the five in absolute silence constructs dialogues to conversations that will never happen, replaying the discussions over and over until all the responses are perfected and routine. Each of us will live the event in the darkness a thousand times before it ever happens and yet we will have never crafted a version that matches the reality of the day. As the events are set into motion all we can do is hope that the new day will bring order to the chaos of change and begin constructing a new routine as the future is revealed. Staring into the void of darkness a weight of angst presses down on your chest shortening your breath into small uncomfortable small gasps in which you struggle to fill your lungs. Each breath no longer soothes and relaxes the soul but contributes to a sense of panic and hopelessness as the tightness grows. The silence is so consuming that that the labored attempt to inhale echoes in the emptiness until it fills the entire room robbing the mind of the illusion that we are in control of the future. Seeking relief we recall positive statements of affirmation which provides us strength.

“When you close your doors, and make darkness within, remember never to say that you are alone, for you are not alone; nay, God is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light to see what you are doing?”

Epictetus (55 AD - 135 AD)
Discourses

Every cell of the body is burning as if on fire from the adrenaline that is being pumped into the blood, a primitive relic of evolution which tells us that danger is eminent and in order to survive we must flee. The fingers and toes begin to tingle as every hair on the body stands like an antenna absorbing latent energy from the air. We float between the known and unknown on the edge of matter and energy. The only response is to remain motionless allowing this last surge of energy to dissipate like ripples on a pond. For a small moment we indulge a fantasy envisioning the relief of discarding our future by running to a distant shore where all the concerns and responsibilities of the world are left behind unable to find us in an imaginary game of hide and seek with the subconscious. The illusion is brief, for there is no solution in hiding, masking the wound only deepens the despair and hopelessness. Reality will continue to seek us out from our swaddled nest of denile.

“Do not pursue what is illusory - property and position: all that is gained at the expense of your nerves decade after decade and can be confiscated in one fell night. Live with a steady superiority over life - don't be afraid of misfortune, and do not yearn after happiness; it is after all, all the same: the bitter doesn't last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing.”

Alexander Solzhenitsyn (1918 - )

The endless dialogues start over again with new insights, quietly seeking to find the land mines which are hidden in plain sight. In our darkness we are allowed to step on the land mines triggering havoc and destruction only to experience its consequence so we see through the debris a path of direction. Over and over again we live in an infinite number of simultaneous universes each in motion deciphering clues for seeing the future. The mind races attempting to exhaust infinity though brute force and determination, but our mind fails to catalogue the multitude of possibilities as a curtain of chaos obscures our thoughts.

“Strength is just an accident arising from the weakness of others.”

Joseph Conrad (1857 - 1924)
Heart of Darkness

The silence is deafening as my heartbeat pounds in my ears counting the seconds as they pass. In order to maintain sanity in the consummate void of silence, my ears begin to hear a slight buzz which reminds me of the white noise that would fill the room when the old black and white television sets would end the broadcast day and leave the air. My mind has had enough and is it distracting itself my processing white noise. Exhaustion overwhelms as my mind discards and unloads all of the infinity realities yet unresolved.

A faint glow begins to grow outside the window signaling an end to the darkness and dread. In a short while we will all be engaged in the false comfort of the daily routine, making believe that last night was only a nightmare and change is waiting further into the future somewhere past another night of staring into emptiness. This day, we will stare into these five sets of eyes seeking comfort in the fact that we can all ignore the realities of the future hidden in the shadow of darkness, where making believe that all is right bides time against the chaos of uncertainty. Each of us will set aside our fears until darkness comes again, but change is on its way and nothing we can do will dissuade that eventually.

“How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.”

Barry Lopez