“We shall not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.“
T. S. Eliot (1888 - 1965)
One grey overcast morning you wake up discovering the existence of a wide chasm that you are sailing across. The distance between the two points of reference is immense striking insecurity in your soul that you are floating high above the rocks without a way to land on either shore comfortably. On one side of the chasm is the life you have created with all of its obligations, responsibilities and familiarities holding you swaddled in the security of a warm blanket? On the other side is the extent of your dreams, aspirations and desires for which you planned to become, seemingly taunting you for your lack of accomplishment. Disillusionment fills thoughts while attempting to understand how the distance between the two became so great. When did the two lives diverge? Why am I unable to project the arc of my life in such a fashion to be closer to the later instead of the former? Is it a common condition of humanity to settle for compliancy and underachievement, or is it a cruel conspiracy of existence that we always craft our dreams into unachievable expectations? Daily distractions are the soma that numbs personal thoughts leading to critical evaluation while we toil away at small insignificant tasks unable to recognize that they have little meaning in the big scheme.
Having spent endless hours staring at the blank white wall of a hospital room in silence provides a perspective of internal reflection few will experience. The process demonstrates the fragility of life that tends to get ignored in the pursuit of racing the clock, but at the same time it reveals the meaningless activities we surround ourselves in becoming a slave to our possessions and constructs of routine. Do not assume in the smallest regard that I am ungrateful for the miracles of recovery that I have been blessed with. I live a sacred life that few can dispute having seen how arbitrarily life can be extinguished or restored between heartbeats. This experience clearly draws into focus how little time exists to accomplish our dreams, while openly ridiculing us at proceeding at a pace that will leave so many aspirations and experiences unfulfilled. I have been given the wisdom to have a perspective of life that is unique, seeing through all the trials and tribulations as if they are rain falling from the sky, destine to be shed without concern and like a raindrop they are transparent unable to conceal their relationship with the streams and rivers that flow endlessly to the sea. Clarify has been the gift I have been given though the intensely personal crisis I have lived twice. Clarify to see what is important and what is not, what is meaningful and what is obtuse, what a distraction is and what brings us closer to achieving a dream.
Clarify does not however allow us to be unencumbered by the morass of our routine and rituals, it just points out the contradictions in our life, begging the obvious question why do I allow myself to be who I’ve become instead of who I wish to be? This is the dilemma of the chasm. We must abandon the comfort of what we know and have sufficient faith to clear the chasm in order to achieve what we desire. I aspire to live an extraordinary life of purpose that makes a difference. With my new clarify of perspective I am angry and increasing bitter at how little progress I continually made toward this goal. In part our new economy is driven by fear and personal interests which diminish the concept of added value of which I have structured my entire business. I am discovering that my old world values of providing added value to relationships is meaningless in this new economy and as a result my ability to make a difference is increasingly futile. The origin of my anger is at the personal sacrifices and investments I have made in people and institutions that are not recognized nor appreciated. At what point is it time to abandon everything I know and go rogue, severing the burden of social responsibility in pursuit of personal exploration and achievement. Be assured that the journey would be much less tedious than trying to drag the entire world along with me. Many days it seems that abandon of social responsibility would never be noticed by the world in general or more incredibility by those closest to me, my staff and collogues for they are so preoccupied in maintaining the routine that they are unable to develop the situational awareness to understand the investment required to jointly succeed in a world that has abandon reason. I find the resentment and angry growing when I am the one sacrificing everything I have saved over a lifetime, investing on the behalf of others in what provides so little equity and so little recognition.
Many have responded to me that the primary difference is that I own the company and I find that line of reasoning appalling. My motivation is not in the title, it is not in the authority, it is not in the power of control, it resides in the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life of purpose. Ownership does not dictate the level of passion one brings to an endeavor; ownership does not instill a commitment to excellence, just because you are an owner does not change anything other than the degree of risk you are will to engage in to live a life of purpose. Ownership is only a vehicle to funnel the commitment that already exists within. The ownership issue is a convenient excuse not to make the investment, to accept mediocrity in execution, to explain the gap between the leadership and the contented. I don’t buy it, in every action we consciously make the decision to succeed or fail by the level of investment we make.
Here I remain, disappointed and angry at myself for not achieving an extraordinary life under the burden of trying to accomplish it within the social context. The time is quickly approaching where I need to decide to accelerate obtainment of my aspirations or to diminish my dreams so I can sit on the edge of whom I’ve become and who surrounds me, fooling myself into believing that being more is unimportant. It is within this context of indecision and doubt that I embark on a small diversion into exploration of the chasm which divides me. Call it a retreat, a sabbatical, a discovery, running away, or whatever you want, but I am on my way to get lose in the wilderness of Big Sur at the edge of the Pacific.
Driven back to the source of my strength I seek the majestic power of the ocean when it meets the earth. I need to be lost in the senses of wind, fog and salt as my muscle burn scaling the isolated bluffs and craggy outcrops of vernal pools and tidal basins. I need to be immersed in the solitude of nature’s timeless wisdom, in the scent of redwoods that have remain unchanged for centuries, in the new spring wildflowers which nod on the sodden hills for I have been lost for so long. I find myself eager to disappear if only for a few days, to where I can feel the cold sand on my skin, where the sharp thorns of sage will punish my skin for its absence, where I can lead an extraordinary life devoid of mediocre execution, devoid of dying embers of social compliancy.
Within this wilderness I shall explore the chasm, scaling its walls of disappointment, fording its rivers of hopelessness, examining in detail the paths and routes which can carry one back to the summit. There is no simple tourist map that can point out the trail, for the chasm can only be revealed and understoodd from within its dark shadows as my breath deepens in anticipation of the exploration. It is within the canyon that I hope to begin the dialogue of healing the divide. My pace increases knowing that the end of my life is gaining ground on me, beginning to handicap my ability to physically and mentally achieve all that I dream. Within an hour I will be in a rental car clearing the expansive fields of garlic beginning to climb the ridges protecting the Pacific from the distractions of the rest of the world. The sun will be setting as the long soft shadows grow from the scattered oaks on the rolling hills. The announcement to fasten our seatbelt blares overhead as I look at the clouds and see a long forgotten smile reflecting in the glass window of the plane. I am content in the fact that I am changing the arc, I am beginning to turn the tide as the journey begins with this first step.
“In human life, art may arise from almost any activity, and once it does so, it is launched on a long road of exploration, invention, freedom to the limits of extravagance, interference to the point of frustration, finally discipline, controlling constant change and growth. “
Susanne Langer (1895 - 1985)
