Each day I’m amazed at the airline industry’s failure to respect the basic foundation of their survival, the business passenger. Ingrained in the obsolete practice of price gouging the business traveler, airlines continue to believe this practice does not impact costumer loyalty. This practice is elevated to outright extortion when the airline has a dominate hub position in an airport; some of the best examples are United to Denver, Delta to Cincinnati, Continental to Newark. My last trip has proven the dinosaurs are so out of touch with the frequent business traveler that the species has no hope of survival.After hours of scheduling I was able to get to a remote location (Pasco, Wa.) for just under one thousand dollars. While outrageously priced, it is a type of location you expect to pay a premium for on short notice, unlike the common fares of $1200 to $1500 for direct flights into the heart of the airline empires. The one thousand dollar fare got me the center seat in the last row of the plane, where you receive the honor of smelling the ass of every passenger who decides to use the restroom, most of which have such poor dietary habits they should seek medical attention immediately. Understand that this is not a low cost carrier and it should be good business policy to provide a person who is willing to submit to highway robbery the best seat possible.
Often while waiting for the first leg of the flight to load it is possible on occasion to obtain an exit row seat that affords some additional leg room. Approaching the gate agent I was informed that it is possible to acquire an exit row seat for an additional cost. Dumbfounded I couldn’t believe what I heard and asked him again. Speaking to me as if I was an idiot he repeated “We provide exit row seating for the upgrade cost of $67”. Indignant I replied “My thousand dollar ticket fare did not include the privilege of requesting an exit row?” Once provoked I couldn’t stop “I’m currently paying this airline a rate of $15.32 a minute to sit in this shit seat and you have the nerve to ask me if I’m willing to pay an additional $1.00 a minute to sit in a 3” wider shit seat? No sir I’ll think I’ll save my $67 and spend it on postage writing letters to Southwest Airlines asking them to move a flight to Denver to bust this little party you got going on here.” Needless to say this delayed my access to the plane and I was able to board the flight after the farm animals.
Strolling down the aisle I couldn’t help but notice than not one of the exit row seats was occupied. I guess United took the concept of keeping the exit row aisles free of debris to a new level, economic debris. When did safety of the passengers take second place to profit? Am I to believe that a flight attendant that is unwilling to help a 90 year old woman place her luggage in the over head, is going to leap over the passenger in an emergency to open the exit row door? I’m not sure I can hold my breath that long under water. It’s more likely I’m going to hear “I’m sorry you can’t exit the plane through that exit row door unless you pay an additional $10.50 and we can only accept exact change.”
It began me thinking about the future opportunities for the airline industry to rape me of another couple of dollars. What about putting a meter on the overhead bin? You may park your carry on luggage here for $0.50 per seven minutes. What about charging for toilet paper in the restroom? That two ounce bag of pretzels got to cost a fortune. Better yet they could charge you for the volume of air that comes out of the overhead nozzle. We all could take up a collection to pay for the tug driver to push us off the gate. I’m sorry this seat reclines only 2% for each dollar inserted. Maybe the pilot could take his hat off as we pass him exiting the plane and we could drop dollar tips in it. “Sorry sir that landing was a little rough. I’m only tipping 10% instead of my usual %15. Doctors get away with it, what if you got a bill in the mail for the X-ray of your luggage. Maybe they should add $25 bonus to the price of the ticket if they really got you there on schedule. When are they going to stop?
I finally arrive at my shit seat and settle in at 6:30 am for the 60 minute flight to Denver, when the flight attendant announces that the pilot has allowed passengers to listen to flight control tower on channel nine of the armrest. I assume that this should be interesting and pull the headset from the seat back pocket. The dialogue is very technical and professional as the plane is pushed from the gate into the alley. We hear the control tower authorize the push from the gate. There are a number of other flights in approach or requesting departures. Our flight is sitting in the alley without the engines running for ten minutes before the pilot turns on the PA system. “We are ready to go but we need some paperwork. As soon as we get the paperwork we’ll be on our way.”
The plane sits about 35 minutes before I hear on channel nine the control tower call our flight and ask “United did you get your problem fixed?” A female gate agent’s voice replies “No sir, the problem just got worst and we are pushing the aircraft back to the gate.” As the plane begins to roll back to the gate the pilot calls the ground crew. “Why didn’t maintenance check the oil?” Did I really hear that we have been sitting on the alley for the past 40 minutes because someone didn’t check the oil in the plane? I don’t run an airline but shouldn’t that be on the “A” list somewhere? Be sure to check the oil! Be sure the plane’s tires are not flat! Be sure the plane has a full tank of gas! Be sure the plane’s windshield is clean! In my mind it’s a pretty short list. Any hung-over teenage gas jockey working at Quick Trip knows to check the oil.
I starting thinking, “Oh great one of the flight attendants is going to march back here to my shit seat and demand that I pay for the oil.” Nervously I begin to wonder what a can of aircraft oil is going to cost these days. Ten dollars for a bag of pretzels, my god, oil is going to cost me at least $50-$60 per can. What if I don’t have enough money? Will they make me clean the restroom? It could really use a cleaning. In stunned disbelief I decide to check my ticket. Yes this is United Airlines not Laurel & Hardy Airlines. What has the world come to?
It’s hard to watch a great industry giant so out of touch with their customer. Like witnessing obsolete obese dinosaurs suffocate under weight of their own mass of flesh, you begin to realize that little can be done to help this species from becoming extinct. The best advice is to steer away from these teetering beasts out of fear that they crush you as they fall. And god knows someone from the front office is going to try to get you to pay for the clean up.
