20120130

Atlas Shrugs Again


"She was seeing the brand of pain and fear on the faces of people, and the look of evasion that refuses to know it–they seemed to be going through the motions of some enormous pretense, acting out a ritual to ward off reality, letting the earth remain unseen and their lives unlived, in dread of something namelessly forbidden–yet the forbidden was the simple act of looking at the nature of their pain and questioning their duty to bear it."

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged, Part 3, Ch. 2

If certainty is a value you treasure you won’t find any in the airlines these days. Each boarding pass is a lottery ticket to purgatory which was originally defined as the condition or process of purification or temporary punishment in which, it is believed, the souls of those who die in a state of grace are made ready for Heaven. In the modern airline vernacular, “purgatory has come to refer also to a wide range of conceptions of suffering short of everlasting damnation, and is used, in a non-specific sense, to mean any place or condition of suffering or torment, especially one that is temporary”. It is the term that most closely represents my overall experience with air travel. Seldom can I find a singular experience in the airline industry which is not embedded with some degree of punishment. I have forgone writing much about the torture of flying because it is so common place that the subject has become mundane and boring. However it now appears that the insensitive practice of treating your customers like compliant cattle being readied for slaughter has now been adopted as corporate policy. Just because almost an entire industry embraces predatory practices with little regard to public opinion does not make it right or proper and it’s time for me to take another stand.

In the past as a business traveler I was able to board a flight on the day of a meeting with a high degree of certainty (over 95%) that I would arrive on time. This concept has been so eroded that I can no longer guarantee my timely arrival to such a degree that I’m required to fly the day before just to be able to absorb the two, three, four hours of unexplained delays. We have now come close to accepting the fact not only do I have to invest a day of the front end to make a meeting, but I need to plan for not making it back the same day. It is absurd that a single two hour meeting requires a three day time commitment. Is it any wonder why our economy is dysfunctional, when I need to cover three times the labor for the same result? This has created a severe backlash from businesses and institutions that I work for where the trend is to hire local bozos that have half the capability and knowledge, all because they can’t afford to carry the cost of the airline industry’s incompetence. In end result of this trend is an acceptance of inferior substandard services and projects which as a recent client expressed to me as “it’s good to have local faces so when they screw up I can scream at them in person.” How can you create jobs if the system to transport them can’t get you there?

Not one to be shy of naming names, my current rant is leveled clearly at US Airlines. If you are disturbed enough to have read my earlier post “Philadelphia Tarpits”, yes you can shout it again “Let me guess!!!!!! US Air”. If you have four flights schedule from a small regional airport and only one ends up boarding with passengers, what does that tell you about your commitment to the business traveler. Flight one scrubbed because of mechanical issues as a pilot and a co-pilot jump into the cockpit, taxi out to the runaway and take off. Okay I can appreciate that your primary maintenance hub may not be at a small regional airport. Flight two never shows up because of weather delays on a day with the national radar totally devoid of a single cloud, begins to beg the question. Flight three just disappears from the board without explanation as some secret hand signal alerts the counter agents to book new arrivals on the next flight. I interpret the silent treatment as a reason that is so totally unacceptable as to create a riot at the gate. For example deciding that we have two half full planes going to the same location, unfortunately at different scheduled times, but wouldn’t it be neat to delay half our customers so we can shove their fat asses into a single flight and save a lot of money in the process.

Why do I feel like I’m living the modern version of Ann Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, where the great business minds slowly disappeared to create a secret alternative society? In our version the brilliant business minds have been replaced with computer algorithms that run purgatory or at least the random sentence of punishment you will receive by participating in the system. Look at the poor gate agents who have been demoted from a position of customer service that possessed a degree of power to change your future into a bunch of gate monkeys that now jump over the counter to help you push buttons on a computer screen with little apparent effectiveness of changing anything. The position has been degraded into a concept of misery loves company. In other words neither you nor the gate agents have any control over the quality of you experience, but its eases your pain greatly to know that you’re suffering is temporal, but this poor bastard’s punishment is eternal. It’s like the old freak show in the traveling circus, gate agents are so pitiful that you are compelled to feel empathy for them but so abhorrent that you need to avert your eyes out of fear you might become one. I can’t conceive a more inhumane and brutal existence than being a powerless gate monkey.

As I apply the concept of purgatory to my surroundings here at Charlotte International airport the veil of confusion is removed and clarity reveals itself. Besides being a depressing place to exist in, no matter how many overpriced commercial chain stores they sprinkle around, you begin to understand that there are three types of species that inhabit airports. There are those that don’t realize that they are in purgatory because there is some mistaken belief that they are getting a free pass out of this place. You can pick them out as they glide quickly light of foot running to the next connection. Their temperament is elevated and buoyant, with shoulders erect with purpose and possibility. For the most part this condition is fleeting as most are converted to the second species, those that understand they are in purgatory just unable to gage the full extent of punishment to be levied.

These individuals are solitary, angry and disgruntled sitting staring mindlessly at their worthless life as it passes before their eyes. They possess no equity or hope that salvation will come soon regardless of the endless penance and alms they offer the gods. Eventually they begin to aggregate into small groups in the confines of airport bars that poorly imitate gathering places in the real world that they would be enjoying only if they weren’t trapped in the airport. The complete lack of authenticity of these airport constructs actually deepens the complete and utter despair of being unjustly imprisoned by some flawed system. Assembled discretely along the long polished corridors like seasoned pickpockets in Rome these businesses exist by fleecing travelers heading to hell with eight dollar beers and twelve dollar unrecognizable fried delights or cheap grades of beef make into burgers, a legal and acceptable form of financial extortion.

The final species of the airport are those condemned to relive this horrific experience day after day as gate monkeys, shop attendants, security guards and now the unbelievably demeaning servitude of airport bathroom attendant. I won’t even go into my reasoning for that; it’s the equivalent of social waterboarding. I didn’t even know that there was that low a rung in hell. This species is more like ecosystem predators that while handed a life sentence of hard time, they sort of run the prison yard. They are famously hardened and insensitive, recognizable by the spiffy navy polyester uniforms they adorn, the equivalent of airport gang colors. Just try to jack with one of the gals behind the desk with that logo infused scarf nattily tied around her neck, within minutes you’re confronted with the rest of the gang ready to tack another six hours on to your carnival ride in hell. I’ve learned to steer clear of the predators because little good will come to you by offering the observation that Genghis Kahn has better interpersonal skills that this group combined.

About this time I’m expecting you to comment, “Mr. Blue, I detect your rant is slightly more cynical and adversarial that what I’m been accustom to in the past? Are you agitated to the level of whining, which seems so contrary to your affable fun loving character?” When confronted with such a self realization I must confess that my frustration level is rising. Consider the fact that I have now been flying about 150 flight segments a year for almost twenty years an admission which many could question my sanity. That places me in the top 1% of business travelers, not to mention that I foot the travel bill for a diminishing number of employees which travel almost as frequently as I do. I am the golden goose, the whale of business travelers, the most coveted prize but this most vaulted status has only been rewarded with a complete and comprehensive erosion of privileges and perks. I receive no greater consideration than the rube that has never flown before.

I don’t use the airline credit card at 27% interest rates so I don’t get to board early. I refuse to pay $400 a year to allow access to the airline clubs which used to be a privilege of frequent flyers so I search to corridors for a worn seat wedged between the teeming masses. There is no longer any consideration for food unless you travel international and it’s a law to prevent the spread of agricultural pests that customs prohibit food products be brought on to planes by travelers which require the airlines to feed you on international flight otherwise you would be starving for 18 hours. In most flights I don’t even deserve a complete can of soda. Why waste it on one person, just think of how much money the computers say they can save if the single $0.50 can of soda is doled out to seven people. I’m not allowed with one exception to check luggage without being penalized, god forbid the penalty for it being heavier than allowed. I am no longer allowed to change any aspect of my flight without penalty. In fact the legacy carriers will really stick it to you if pay for a flight and decide not to take one leg but want to resume your journey even though you have already paid for it. I am not allowed to sit in the exit row without paying more. I need to fork over a couple of bucks to get headphones if I decide to watch the movie.

All that being said I do accumulate air miles for free trips on my frequent flyer accounts. Has anyone you know been able to cash the miles in to book a flight? I’ve got about a million miles and can’t find a flight that is not blacked out. I looked on every flight on one airline to use my miles to go to Hawaii until I was over one year out and the airline website cut me off saying I could not book a flight that far in advance. In other words we will not allow you to use your miles to go where you want. They have a new way to screw you out of travel miles, it’s called the “anytime award” which is double the typical 25,000 mile award. For 50,000 miles you can actually book a flight using your miles. Let’s consider this privilege a bit closer. A typical flight segment for me is about 500-750 miles, so to get my free flight using an “anything award” I need to fly about 100 segments. When you figure out the time invested in a single flight with boarding, flying and waiting for luggage at 4 hours that means I need to invest about 400 hours to get my free trip. If I was to do this full time I would receive the ability to receive four free flights annually or they would return to me 16 hours of privilege. Even the most depraved employer will grant you seven days or 56 hours of holiday pay for full time employment. In essence the travel reward program is just a big scam that people believe they gain some privileged recognition, but if you add up all the sodas they are denying you it’s the funding source for that fancy travel program. If you want a better deal each flight stick a couple of bucks into your wallet and at the ends of the year buy yourself a ticket where you want.

I have to admit that Mr. Blue is feeling better after exerting three hours of energy exposing this uncaring, unresponsive airline industry while he sits waiting for the next inexcusable episode of travel sodemy to occur. For all I know the gate monkeys are already planning their revenge, the easy part is seating me between the two overweight blobs that are allergic to personal hygiene, but the hard part is delaying the plane on the runway for an extra three hours in paradise lost. Of all wonders did you hear that another mechanical delay and a gate change? Oh no, the monkeys in terminal C are howling now.


A depiction of purgatory by Venezuelan painter Cristóbal Rojas (1890) representing the boundary between heaven (above) and hell (below)


'When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is."

Ayn Rand